Reversing the Numbness

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Miroslav the Vampire Slayer

After all of the hell Slobodan Milosevic rained down on Serbia throughout his years of tyranny, I can't say I blame Miroslav Milosevic (no relationship) for driving a three-foot wooden stake through his heart a year after the dictator died in prison while on trial for war crimes. Hey, he could have been a vampire, and imagine what an asshole he'd be if he were undead.

The thing I don't get, though, is how he's so sure he pierced his heart if he just drove the stake directly into the ground. Isn't there a casket? Certainly they didn't bury the dude in a burlap sack in a shallow grave. I mean, without digging up the casket, breaking it open and literally shoving the stake directly into Milosevic's chest, I think the chances of splintering his pumper with the stake are about as good as Serbia winning the Olympics.

Is this how vampire hunters operate these days? God help our souls if there's an outbreak of undead.

10 comments:

The Dalai Mama said...

Usually I am disgusted by the desecration/vandalism of a grave or corpse, but this story? Eh, whatever. Doesn't bother me a bit. It does seem a bit "off" that they just drove the stake into the ground. What the fuck? That's pretty lame for a group of vampire hunters.

What I do love is the phrase "popped his clogs." I may have to start using that one myself.

josh williams said...

Before finishing the story I thought well an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, but then I read further, they drove the 3’ stake into the dirt through the sarcophagus through the casket into his heart? Why not drill a hole through all these with a big ass auger and fill the thing with holy water. I fear the new age of vampire hunters are hmm what’s the word...Ah, Stupid! I may have to become a vampire hunter, my slogan would be “ I ain’t as stupid as the others”.

Zee said...

With the rampant success of SciFi's Ghosthunters (new episodes in June, finally), I smell a reality show here.

SleekPelt said...

Josh, I agree, there's no reason to make the fatal movie flaw of not making sure somebody is dead. Especially someone like Milo. Go the extra mile for peace of mind.

Ah, Ghost Hunters. For those of you who didn't see it, I interviewed ghost hunter Jason Hawes some months ago. Nice guy.

Raoul Duke said...

you couldn't do that?! sounds like somebody need to eat his Wheaties, Bry.

josh williams said...

I visit uninvited, I just have to get this out of my system...This takes some heavy brain thinking and I am at a loss so I am forever posting this question, day and night....

The idea of creating an infinite number of monkeys, I think the Bonobo would be the best choice because it does not have fat fingers and would not fat finger the keyboard, but it is not my place to choose, in fact I think we need to stop this project dead in its tracks, let me explain why.
First of all I apologize for dwelling on this, I must purge my mind of the worry, I cannot eat sleep or muster the energy to walk around all self important and stuff. Rest assured any candidate running for office on the Infinite Bonobo platform does not get my vote, again let me expalin.
Where do we get an infinite number of Bonobos? I do not think we need to test the theory that if you gave an infinite number of Bonobos and infinite number of typewriters that eventually they at least one would type the entire Library of Alexandria , in fact eventually all the Bonobos would reproduce all books written and unwritten, all emails all blogs everything ever recorded or to be recorded. A form of time travel if you will. My concern is that what in the hell are we going to do with an infinite number of monkeys! Where do we get and infinite number of typewriters, consider out of an infinite number you will get a fair share of super genius monkeys who will eventually take over the world and eliminate their closest cousin, me! What would happen?and it would one of these genius monkeys figured out how to not only count to infinity but count to infinity +1! You gather all our best scientists, genealogists, philanthropists, phrenologists, realtors, and politicians in short the greatest minds of the planet and each and every one of them would quake in fear at the mere thought of infinity +1…Besides who wants to be stepping over monkeys clicking away at their typewriters scattered all over you living room you bathroom every nook and cranny, Ha! Monkey 94,994,330,928,334 just typed “Henderson the Rain King” backwards! Once they started pounding out the classics front and backwards their egos would grow, they would start dressing the part and demand an infinite number of silly bow ties…In other words lets just forget about the entire idea..The End

SleekPelt said...

So, Josh, you're basically saying that bonobos are the missing link to harnessing the collective consciousness? Okay, I guess "infinite" is pretty much the operative term there. In fact, infinity and the collective consciousness are linked, perhaps even one in the same.

Let me ask you this: Do you also obsess over just how we can remove all living things from the forest to try to decipher if a tree makes a sound when there's nobody there to hear it? And how would the tree fall -- an explosive? Would the explosion make a sound?

Anyone ever see the Saturday Night Live skit where the monkeys at their type-writers finally completed their first novel? It was severely panned by critics.

josh williams said...

Yes to everything you said and more...I guess what troubles me is the logistics, where do you put them, how do you feed them, do you need an infinite number of editors? More later I have to go lick all the windows in my house 3 times, which is no small task since each window has 12 lites and then the storm window,well its real cold outside so I need a spray bottle to detach when its to cold.Other than the logistics of managing an infinite number of monkeys, I really am not obsessive or compulsive. Gotta go...JW

Zee said...

Did I mention that I often think about monkeys dressed like a human doing a human's job in comically inapproriate manner? Its always funy. Try it then next time you are down in the dumps.

getto said...

I think someone has "monkey envy."