Animals as Allies

I think I heard a story about dolphins saving a surfer from a shark recently, or something like that, and I've been thinking about animals as allies ever since. How many animals can really be considered allies of mankind? I guess just two: dogs and dolphins.

Dogs are a no-brainer. There's even a best-friend cliche. They show concern for us all the time. Dolphins are of course more mysterious, and our alliance with them isn't nearly as solid. But it's pretty selfless when they help us in wild situations, considering the things we've done to them and the threat we continue to pose. What do they have to gain from rescuing a surfer from a shark? Do they think the surfer is going to head back to shore and convince everyone to stop killing them? They're less likely to be killed by the shark, and for this, I consider them true allies.

What about horses? Cats? Pet pigs? Do these animals care about us, or do they just coexist peacefully with us? Would they intentionally help us out in a tight spot if they weren't personally in that tight spot as well?

I don't know. The Electric Orchid Hunter will probably tell me there's a monkey in Africa that likes to give tired people back rubs. But for all I know, only dogs and dolphins really have our backs.

Speaking of TEOH, you should check out the photos from his laboratory in Colorado. There's some good business over there.

Bird Droppings

I've been thinking a lot lately about birds dying mid-flight. Certainly there are birds that have heart attacks or other instantly immobilizing health problems while they're flying, but I can't say that I've ever seen one just drop out of the air. Wouldn't that be surprising? Imagine if you were just walking along, or maybe riding your motorcycle or something, and a hawk comes crashing down on your head.

That would be surprising.

Catfish Noodling

My brothers and their families were in this weekend, and my older brother, an experienced fisherman, told me about trout noodling. Have you ever heard of this? If not, or if you've never seen it, check this out:



I now have a new activity to add to the long list of things I hope to never experience in life.

A New Breed

The DM ran across this cute little fella yesterday while browsing a local animal shelter's website. He's a pit bull/beagle mix. We've decided we're going to start breeding these dogs in an attempt to create the next great hybrid, a la peek-a-poo, labradoodle, etc.

I think we'll call them beabulls, unless someone has a better idea. (Okay, I really just wanted to post this photo, which cracks me up.)

The Sleek Awards: Worst Animal in the History of the World

Wow, this is the easiest award I've ever doled out. There's one animal that is so vile, so horrendous, responsible for so much putrescence, so much human suffering, that it sweeps this category so thoroughly that there aren't even any other nominees. The absolute worst animal that has ever been is, of course, the rat.

With all due respect to the fictional hero Randy Rat, the nicest rat anyone ever knew, in reality rats are the lowest of the low. All rats, even the ones the DM thinks are cute because they have giant ears and look like cartoon characters (I think the pictured beast is the one she likes), are creatures of darkness that are in the direct command of the evil one. And the greatest concentration of evil in a rat is in their tails. And also their feet.

Of course my kids love them and always have to go look at them at Petco. I just can't get close to them. I always go check out the snakes and turtles. Too bad they don't have bats; that's where I'd be hanging out.

Random Thoughts Thursday

-Carnivale was the best show ever on television, and the fact that HBO dropped it mid-story after only two seasons is practically criminal. If the story goes unfinished, with all of the other mediums out there (movies/graphic novels/comic books, etc.), that really is criminal.

-Three to five birds fly into my office window on a daily basis. None have ever been hurt to my knowledge. What a surprise that must be to a bird, though. I know it's been quite shocking to me when I've walked into patio doors.

-I've listened to very little Social Distortion in my life, and I feel it's something I need to remedy soon.

-When I ride my motorcycle, I compulsively press my blinker-off button to make sure I'm not riding down the road with a bogus blinker. I sometimes do this ten times in a minute. This way, that bastard is off. Amazingly, I still manage to leave it on occasionally.

-I had a moment of clarity two nights ago while playing guitar. For about five minutes, while all alone in my dining room, I felt I played and sang the best I have in years, and I had an incredible feeling of emotion that lasted for the duration of that time. Then it came to an immediate halt and I put my guitar down and went to bed. I picked it up again last night and I was shit.

-This is pretty crazy:



-Here's a great Bright Eyes song for all the lovers and haters out there:

powered by ODEO

-For some reason, most of the blogs I like to read are defunct or at least in a serious holding pattern. I guess Winters always pass. Melissavina, what am I supposed to watch on Wednesdays? Finding new blogs to read is hard. Maybe I should start the Harry Potter series. But can it really be that good?

-If I had unlimited means, I'd have a barber shave my face three times a week. It will surprise no one who knows me that shaving is one of my least favorite things in the world. But so is long facial hair. I hate that even more than shaving. See my predicament?

All random thoughts are most welcomed. It feels sort of good to get them out, I'm finding.

The Sleek Awards: Best Non-Domesticated Animal

This is the inaugural Sleek Award, and it's an important one. With the millions of species of animals roaming the earth, it might seem a daunting task to single out one as the best of the non-domesticates, but I've done it confidently and definitively. Without further ado, the best non-domesticated animal on planet Earth is:

The bat.

There are about 1,100 species of bats worldwide, so it would be hard to single out one species as the absolute greatest. So bats of all kinds -- chestnut short-tailed bats, mastiff bats, black myotis bats, long-tongued bats, disk-winged bats, fringe-lipped bats, and all the rest -- can share in this prestigious award.

You may be wondering why the bat was chosen as the recipient of the inaugural Sleek Award. The reasons follow:

1. Flight. Bats are the only mammals that can really fly. Sure, so called "flying" squirrels can get a pretty good glide going, but let's see what happens when they need to get back up into the tree. That's right -- they have the climb the bitch. No, only the bat can make a mammalian claim to the sky.

2. Echolocation. Bats can "see" better through echolocation than most mammals, including yours truly, can see with their eyes. Dolphins and whales use echolocation as well, but are they plucking bugs out of the air with it? I don't think so. I shot a beetle out of the air with a BB gun once when I was a kid and I've been talking about it ever since. Bats do it hundreds of times a night. You should see the greater bulldog bat echolocate frogs -- maybe ten a night! -- that are trolling along the surface of the water. They're hopeless -- the bat will win that fight every time. All of that said, it's a myth that bats have poor eyesight. Most bats actually have an acute sense of vision, particularly at distances greater than their echolocation can reach.

3. I hate bugs. At least the ones that mess with you when you're trying to have a beer on your porch. Bats will not only let you have your beer, but they'll also munch the bugs that are trying to thwart you. Bats rule for this.

4. They have insanely cool wings.


5. They're super cute. Face it, bats are about as cute as it gets. Think I'm crazy? Check out this adorable little spotted bat:

What a little sweet-pea. You think this bastard can't hear? And how about the giant golden-crowned flying fox?


Nothing short of gorgeous.

6. They've got great poop. Bat guano is an excellent organic fertilizer.

7. They're so not rodents. Bats are so far from rodents it almost makes me vomit. I hate rodents, as you'll see when I announce the Sleek Award for worst non-domesticated animal. Some bastards think of bats as flying rodents, and these are often the same people who double-park their Corvettes and chain their dogs up. Bats are more closely related to whales than they are rodents. Seriously.

8. They're creatures of the night. In order to be cool, you have to stay out late. Bats do.

9. Long tongues. One species of bat has the longest tongue relative to its body size of any other mammal. Gene Simmons, you rotten poser, eat your heart out.

Okay, so bats sometimes carry rabies, and most people in the US who get rabies actually do get it from bat bites. Big whoop. I'm not going to let this little detail get in the way of the magnificent bat getting its rightful claim to the Sleek Award for the best non-domesticated animal in the world.

Brass Balls of the Month Award

Courage and will like this is awfully rare in the world today. What a noble and courageous animal.

The Dolphin Machine

I was thumbing through Intersection magazine today and I ran across a short piece on something called a SeaBreacher that stopped me in my tracks. A California-based company called Innerspace has invented what amounts to a dolphin machine. Looks like a dolphin. Moves like a dolphin. Jumps like a dolphin ... but you get to freaking ride in it! With a friend! It's a dolphin machine! (Anybody read Christopher Moore's Fluke? If so, this thing should seem somewhat familiar.)

This thing goes 40 mph on the surface and 20 mph under water. It can jump 10 feet in the air. It can do barrel rolls. It costs $70,000, and the people who invented it expect dolphin-machine races in the future to rival monster trucks in popularity.

All I can say is, I hope this thing starts a trend, because I love the idea of animal machines. The possibilities are endless, but what I'd really like is an elephant machine.

Imagine what you could do with this thing! I don't think the monster-truck drivers are going to sweat much about racing dolphins -- are the spectators going to wear scuba gear? -- but get a few elephants crushing cars at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and Bigfoot just might have some competition.

More on Fang and Introducing Randy Rat

Good news for Fang! (That's what I've named this dog.) While he's still chained up and doing the exact same thing he was doing yesterday, when I said hello to him on my way home from work tonight he barked at me and he seemed a little less bitter. I'm hoping it's because of this:

I tell my kids a series of stories about a character named Randy Rat. This is pretty much every night, and we've been doing it for a long time.

They all begin exactly the same way: "Once upon a time there was a rat named Randy Rat, and he was the nicest rat that anyone ever knew. He was always invited to all of the parties, and all of the other animals loved to come over to his garbage heap to hang out with Randy and eat garbage."

Then it just kind of goes wherever it goes. By far the most popular Randy Rat story of all -- which both of my kids could recite verbatim -- is the one where Randy, a city alley rat, decides to venture far down the alley in search of a garbage can that's so stinky you could hardly believe it, so as to get himself the holy grail of snacks.

The first garbage can he comes to appears promising, but upon further inspection, and this is my son's line, "Nope, not danky enough!" Unfortunately the second garbage can proves to be a red herring as well, but then Randy is fortunate enough to run into his old friend Carly Cockroach. After the brief but sincere pleasantries that always begin Randy's interaction with another animal, he answers her inquiry as to why he's ventured so far down the alley. Carley, being a cockroach, is very familiar with the local garbage cans and heaps, and she gives him a lead on a garbage can that is so amazingly stinky it'll knock his socks off. (This is figurative, because he doesn't really wear socks. That would be unrealistic.) After Randy expresses dismay at having to leave his friend after such a short time with her, he follows her directions and finds the nasty can Carly told him about. (My son: "Yep, danky enough!)

As he claws his way to the top, he dreams of diving into the can and eating so much garbage that he can hardly move, and then taking a nap right there in the can. Sadly, when he reaches the rim, he meets the only antagonists to ever appear in the Randy Rat series -- the three, big, mean alley cats are already inside the receptacle.

The good news is that he spots them before he jumps in. The bad news is that they spot him immediately too. The first cat, who sounds like Vizzinni from The Princess Bride ("Never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line!"), stakes his lunch claim to Randy. The second cat, who sounds like the Lenny cat from the old Loony Tunes (based of course on Lenny from Of Mice and Men -- "Duh, okay, George!") quickly reminds the first that he's quicker and will be having this rat for lunch. The final rat, who sounds like Hand Banana from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, says: "Wrong on both counts. I'm quicker, and I'm smarter. I'll be having the rat today.

Of course, while they're arguing, Randy doesn't stick around to see who wins. He's down the alley like a shot. It doesn't take long for the cats to catch up, though, and our tender hero finds himself in a pretty precarious situation.

See, here's the thing about being as nice as Randy Rat is -- he's got a hell of a lot of friends. And it turns out, the three big, nice alley dogs happen to be in the vicinity. They catch wind of Randy's trouble and turn the cats from predator to prey in a split second. Randy's safe, and the cats end up treed at the end of the alley, where they falsely promise to never return if only the dogs give them another chance. (Their appearances in a host of other Randy Rat stories prove their dishonesty.)

So Randy thanks the three big, nice alley dogs for saving his life and invites them over to his garbage heap for a snack and some nice conversation.

Okay, so that's the top-selling story, as far as my kids are concerned.

Well, last night, we did a new one. After the standard intro, Randy decides to take a walk to the outskirts of town to clear his head. In doing so, he discovers a miserable, pathetic white dog who's chained up in a circle of mud. He approaches the dog in an attempt to make friends, and of course the dog goes ballistic.

Randy is persistent when he sees others in need, though, and he finds the courage to approach Fang's perimeter, where the rodent sits down and patiently waits. Eventually the angered pooch tires and just sits down too. Here's where Randy works his magic. With his typical genuine, caring, level-headed approach, he tells Fang that it's not true that he's a lost cause on paws. His solution for this dreadful existence is quite simple -- Randy states that if the two animals can establish a base level of trust for each other, Randy will attempt to gnaw his collar off and will take him back to the alley with him.

After some real soul-searching (it was fun explaining that term to my five-year-old daughter), Fang goes against his nature to distrust and promises Randy that he won't tear him to shreds if the rat comes closer. Randy, who of course has a mean set of teeth, makes short work of the collar and then rides his new friend Fang into town, into the alley, and into a life of wondrous, intoxicating freedom.

The end? For this story, yes, but not for our newest character. Because the first thing Randy did was to introduce Fang to the three big, nice alley dogs. And now, in all future Randy Rat stories that involve the the K9s, they will be the four big, nice alley dogs.

I'm just hoping that on some cosmic level this feeling of freedom made it down to Fang last night and he had the greatest dream of his miserable little life.

-------------------------------

In case you're interested, some of other recurring characters in the Randy Rat series include:

• Paul Pigeon, who lives upstairs on the roof
• Pasquale Squirrel (also upstairs)
• Berry Bear (he's an immigrant)
• Tom Trout (his appearances have been limited to when Randy goes down to the river, except for the time when he made it to a party at Paul's place in a fish tank, thanks to Randy)
• Ricky Rat, Randy's good-hearted but trouble-prone brother (who was completely to blame for the infamous ceiling-fan incident)
  
• Ollie Owl, who's sort of a cliche, know-it-all owl, I'm afraid (sorry, it's not as easy as you'd think to make up a new, detailed kids' story every freaking night)
• Bob the Bicycle Badger, who scared Randy a bit at first because of a badger's reputation as being ferocious, but Randy later learned that the only thing Bob the Bicycle Badger cares about is riding his bike and teaching others to ride bikes. (He taught Randy in tonight's story, and Randy used his new wheels to get away from you-know-who)
• The Possum Twins, Perry and Polly, who always say the exact same thing at the exact same time. (I guess this could be an homage to Kubrick's The Shining, though I only just thought of that, so it wasn't intentional)
  

There are probably another dozen characters, but I forget them. My kids know them all, though.

Just Down the Road

I'm a Dog on A Chain

I'm a dog on a chain
Living out in the rain
A lost cause on paws

The perimeter of my circle of life
Is determined by the number of links
In my restriction

I just have dirt, man
But there's grass -- right there!
In front of my nose
Or a light year away

But because I can't feel it
Because it's not mine
I won't be your friend
I'll scare you away

I'm a dog on a chain
Living out in the rain
A lost cause on paws

More on Monkeys

I know geto boy is starting to get freaked out by all the monkey talk, but I just wanted to make the point that baby monkeys, like the adorable little chimp pictured, are about as sweet a little creature as there is. I have no doubt that this monkey will grow up to be a rat bastard, but in its infancy it's really quite endearing.

As Much Fun as Barrel of Monkeys

As I alluded to in an earlier comment, one thing that can brighten almost any dreary scenario is imagining chimpanzees or orangutans dealing with the situation instead of you. For example, I am currently going through a home crisis with a leak in a kitchen wall and ceiling whose origin is as of yet undetermined. This is pretty crappy, but I smile when I think about a chimpanzee smashing my wall up with a hammer and inspecting my pipes. When I say, "have you found the source of the leak?" he just shakes his head, and proceeds to smash a nearby lamp with the hammer. See? Now that's funny.

When a judge is yelling at me, I imagine a monkey assigned as his court crier. "Have you called for a jury panel?" The monkey (wearing an official blue court officer blazer, of course) throws the phone across the room and screeches.

There is no end to this. Get pulled over by a cop, just imagine a monkey in a little highway patrol helmet holding a radar gun.

Lets face it, primates are our closest cousins in the animal kingdom and therefore the easiest to anthropomorphrosize. However, If your imagination is too limited, I strongly suggest finding a copy of the 1981 movie Going Ape, starring Tony Danza as a generic down on his luck guy who stands to inherit a large sum of money if he successfully cares for three orangatans and their zany custodian (played by an Italian speaking Danny Devito). Hi jinks and hilarity ensure when hit-men attempt to kill the orangutans in order to keep Tony from getting the money. Of course, the simians are the real stars of the show as they foil the bumbling hit-men time and time again .

Check out this clip. You won't be sorry; just don't be surprised if the next time are in line at the DMV you find yourself laughing at the thought of chimpanzees taking license photos with the camera pointed in the wrong direction. And then actually issuing the license. And then you explaining to a cop why your driver's License photo is a close-up of a chimpanzee's nose. See, thats funny.