Reversing the Numbness

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Dolphin Machine

I was thumbing through Intersection magazine today and I ran across a short piece on something called a SeaBreacher that stopped me in my tracks. A California-based company called Innerspace has invented what amounts to a dolphin machine. Looks like a dolphin. Moves like a dolphin. Jumps like a dolphin ... but you get to freaking ride in it! With a friend! It's a dolphin machine! (Anybody read Christopher Moore's Fluke? If so, this thing should seem somewhat familiar.)

This thing goes 40 mph on the surface and 20 mph under water. It can jump 10 feet in the air. It can do barrel rolls. It costs $70,000, and the people who invented it expect dolphin-machine races in the future to rival monster trucks in popularity.

All I can say is, I hope this thing starts a trend, because I love the idea of animal machines. The possibilities are endless, but what I'd really like is an elephant machine.

Imagine what you could do with this thing! I don't think the monster-truck drivers are going to sweat much about racing dolphins -- are the spectators going to wear scuba gear? -- but get a few elephants crushing cars at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas and Bigfoot just might have some competition.

19 comments:

getto said...

Man, remember the scene in Ace Ventura- When Nature Calls, where Ace is in that Rhino suit? It starts to get really hot, but he can't get the door open. It is soooo freaking hilarious when he is coming out of it's ass, naked, like it's giving birth. Shit, I need a good laugh- I'm going to have to go watch that scene.

B. I can just visualize you in the same situation, but flopping out of your elephants ass. Holy shit, that's good stuff!

Carla said...

I'm all with you. Let's have it for more animal machines :)

Matt A said...

I hope it works better than this...

www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=444619&in_page_id=1770&ct=5

Rob Zero said...

Chris Moore is brilliant. I assume you've read LAMB.

SleekPelt said...

geto boy: I'm not concerned about this happening to me, because the elephant machine will have air conditioning.

carla: Welcome! Glad to see we're on the same page here.

matt a: So do I, seeing as how the price difference is about $69,999.

rob: It's on my list. I read most of his stuff from Fluke on back, but I'm a bit behind on his newer stuff. Writing a book about Jesus' best boyhood friend is awesome, though. For anyone who doesn't know Christopher Moore -- funny, funny, funny. And he even puts his e-mail address in the back of his books and will respond if you write to him. I know from experience!

Fleming said...

wow. I'm all about all forms of motorsport -- air, sea, and land -- and that is one of the coolest machines I've ever seen. I'd trade my boat and second-mortgage the house in a heartbeat to be cruising Cheat Lake in one of those.

Winters said...

That elephant machine looks like hours of fun.

I'd wander around supermarkets in it, flicking food at customers with my trunk.

Raoul Duke said...

WOW. I just discovered Chris Moore via my local book shop. Asked if there was anything out there for a jonesing Tom Robbins fan. Fluke was the first I have read, in fact just finished it. Unbelievable coincidence (or not as I believe).
I am currently on Practical Demonkeeping and plan to run his books in order.
Very cool.

RD

SleekPelt said...

fleming: Imagine the shock you could give an unsuspecting wakeboarder if you jumped out of the water beside him. I'm not sure how well you'd be able to see under water at Cheat, though.

winters: I'm glad you like it, mate, you can have first ride when I've completed it. I'll concentrate heavily on the mechanics of the trunk, and I'll include a pump and water reservoir for effective spraying.

raoul: This isn't the first time you and I have been on the same wavelength. Demonkeeping was my first as well, and Bloodsucking Fiends was loads of fun. I also read Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, but I'm behind on the rest.

Anonymous said...

after skimming the water in my machinized flying dolphin, i like to return home in my flying car.

http://www.moller.com/

Zee said...

Any plans in the works for a Chimpanze machine?

Bad Billy said...

I would love to have a "Bigfoot" machine to scare the hell out of campers!

The Dalai Mama said...

BadBilly: That would be great!

SleekPelt said...

anonymous: That's remarkable. They should have made it look like a pterodactyl, though.

zee: You're probably going to have a hard time believing this, but there's already a chimp machine in the works, and I've managed to get my hands on spy photos of the prototype. Keep this to yourself!

bad billy: More proof of the endless potential of the animal machine.

spooge said...

i've seen this "dolphin machine" in articles on the web before. However, it's always the same picture. I'd love to see a video of it. I figure if it was really as cool as that picture makes it look, we'd see more video on the world wide interweb. But the potential for sheer awesomeness is definitely there.

i think the "elephant machine" should have a sun roof and some kick @ss woofers installed in the back. Along with some hydraulics and spinners.

CS said...

The elephant machine would be great for safaris, but I'm holding out for the giant squid machine. You could go deep sea diving and terrorize sailors.

SleekPelt said...

spooge: The elephant machine will come with many options, don't worry.

cs: Welcome, and thanks for the additional proof of the limitless possibilities of these machines.

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