Reversing the Numbness

Monday, March 19, 2007

KISS Off

I caught a commercial or a show or something on TV tonight and saw that Gene Simmons recently got a facelift, and it reminded me that I've wanted to tell you guys that KISS may be the worst band that has ever lived. Seriously. Sure, they're good businessmen and all; they knew they sucked so they invented personas and put on the makeup and all that crap, but it was all bogus. The best thing that ever happened to them was when uptight parents started thinking they were Knights in Satan's Service, because that created an atmosphere of rebellion that fooled generations of youth into thinking they're actually good, or that they're actually heavy in some way. I'm sure some people listened to them just to piss their folks off, but I'm also convinced that many people were fooled into thinking this band actually has some sort of talent. They don't.

I don't have a problem with their "show," per se. When David Bowie wore make-up, it was cool because his music also kicked ass. Same goes for Alice Cooper. I can even get into Marilyn Manson. All of these people care or cared about the music at least as much as the show. KISS? They cared about selling dolls and lunchboxes and make-up kits and hooking up with groupies. Only one of those things is rock 'n' roll.

Name a good KISS song. "Strutter"? That's a horrible song. "Black Diamond"? "Cold Gin"? No, those are horrible too. And "Rock 'n' Roll All Nite" and "Beth" are two of the worst songs I've ever heard. And what did they do when they felt the changing of the tide in the music industry? They made a disco record. (Remember "I Was Made for Loving You"?) Hell, they even managed to make the worst movie of all time, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.

I'm not saying there haven't been bands that have made worse music than KISS, but all things considered, KISS may just be the worst band of all time.

45 comments:

getto said...

I don't know, B., I agree with your observations on Kiss, but I would have to disagree in that I think anything Ozzy Osbourne is the worst. Hearing his voice makes me sick to my stomach- it is one of the few instances where I actually will swear at the radio and turn it off. I am getting mad just thinking about it.

spooge said...

c'mon. they had their moments didn't they? Detroit Rock City? Love Gun? God of Thunder?

SleekPelt said...

getto: Even when Ozzy was with Black Sabbath?

spooge: Those songs blow, but to be fair I will give you one good KISS song: "Do You Love Me?"

lyrics:
You really like
My leather heels
You like the way
My wheels roll
You like my seven inch (pause)
Leather heels
And goin' to
All of my shows ... BUT ...
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
Do you love me?

getto said...

Anything- even that lame ass show where he paraded his disfunctonal family into our homes.

SleekPelt said...

Wow, getto -- you're going on record saying Black Sabbath was worse than KISS. We differ there, for sure.

Zee said...

You somehow managed to completely disparage a rock legend while conveniently forgetting that they made a record that set the music world on its ear (no pun intended)and began a healing process for the entire world: Hot in the Shade.

Seriously, while I was never a huge KISS fan,I got serious respect for them as 5 chord basher with a hook here & there that took the stage show to slightly higher level (of course, they were ripping off Alice Cooper).

SleekPelt said...

Ah, Hot in the Shade, feature lead guitarist Bruce Kulick, formerly of Meatloaf and Michael Bolton fame. (Seriously.) In fact, I think Michael Bolton may have had a hand in writing the dreadful "Forever."

Not that a lack of Ace Frehley is a bad thing.

Zee said...

Bruce Kulick played with Michael Bolton?? Holy Crap. Please tell me that Vinnie Vincent played with Phil Collins.

SleekPelt said...

Yep, KISS horked Bolton's sloppy seconds.You're starting to see my point here, right, zee?

getto said...

"Horked"- nice one!

Zee said...

Ha! I beleive "Horked" was popularized in the U.S. by the McKenzie Brothers in the classic film Strange Brew.

getto said...

Hey hoser, nice one, eh?

SleekPelt said...

Take off, you nub!

or

My brother told me that drowning in beer would be like heaven. I'm up to my knicks in beer. This ain't heaven -- this sucks!

SleekPelt said...

If I had a dollar for every time I've said I'm up to my knicks in something, I really would be up to my knicks in beer. (Cha-ching -- another Stoneys!)

getto said...

How 'bout another Elsinore?

Zee said...

How about the way Strange Brew opens with the McKenzie Brothers' screening of their own independent film: The Mutants of 2056. It featured Bob McKenzie dressed in rags and calling someone a "hoser," and their van on a lift as a spaceship. Brilliant.

SleekPelt said...

The Mutants of 2056 was ten times the movie Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park ever was.

(Like how I brought it all back around?)

Zee said...

I like how they all had powers in KMTPOTP. If memory serves me correctly, Ace was able to shoot stars off of his face or some such. C'mon! Gotta love the camp value!!

SleekPelt said...

As you can see, Paul could certainly shoot something out of his face. I think Gene's powers were pretty much just exaggerated versions of what he could do on stage: breath fire, spit blood, stick his tongue out, and growl badly.

Matt A said...

Hey, I’m no KISS fan, but surely you’ve forgotten RATT.

SleekPelt said...

Welcome, Matt A! I've been trying to forget RATT for decades now -- thanks for the painful memory.

Zee said...

Round & Round, man! Great 80s metal song! What? So I have a metal skeleton or two in my closet.

Matt A said...

Well for every ‘Round & round’ (and I’ll have to take your word for it on that one) was there not an ‘I want a woman’?

But don’t get me wrong I have a metal skeleton or two in my closet. Just this morning, before I actually read this thread, I grabbed Van Halen’s ‘Diver Down’ out of my CD collection for the drive to work. And you know what, I really enjoyed listening to its peculiar mix of cover versions and original tracks again.

SleekPelt said...

I don't actually have a problem with RATT, or most of the other bands from that genre and era. I heard "Cum on Feel the Noize" two -- yeah, TWO -- freakin' times this evening, and I almost cried with delight. If only "We're Not Gonna Take It" would have come on.

There -- Twisted Sister, another band that work make-up and still managed to rock.

SleekPelt said...

Oh, and in case anyone is finding it hard to believe that Matt A doesn't remember "Round and Round," he grew up and lives in England, and apparently it wasn't quite the hit there that it was here.

getto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
getto said...

You'd be hard pressed to find a better genre of music than the 80's hair bands. Bon Jovi, Winger, Ratt, White Snake, Guns and Roses, Metallica. Schweet! I wish hair bands would make a revival.
B- could you take that Photochop of Zee and add some big 80's hair?

Zee said...

Ha! I would actually kinda like to see that. As for Diver Down, I used to be a HUGE HUGE Van Halen fan. Fanatic, actually. I loved Diver Down (Little Guitars was my favorite VH song for a little while, actually). Fair Warning is my favorite VH halen overall, though.

Clash said...

I dressed as Gene Simmons for more Halloweens than I care to remember. I wanted to grow up and either be Gene, or a professional wrestler. Dreams die hard.

SleekPelt said...

Gene's sort of like a professional wrestler, now that I think of it.

SleekPelt said...

Clash, you should dress up like face-lift Gene this Halloween!

SleekPelt said...

Hey, Matt A (and anyone else in a RATT mood), check this out.

Clash said...

sleekpelt, That better not be a pledge pin on your uniform! Twisted Sister, indeed.

I too look fondly back on those days and do not regret my appreciation then or now. Even though the slice of time is more rare to enjoy, a few searches on Youtube and it’s the early days of MTV all over again.

Something about........ A man long removed returned to his childhood town, and realized it wasn’t the town, but his childhood that he missed.

Matt A said...

How sheltered we are over here in England. I have never heard that before in my life, and as I pointed out earlier I do have more than the odd metal CD in my collection.

As for the video, I can see it now… “I know, why don’t we actually have a live rat in it?”

I’m sorry to say I didn’t watch to the end to see if the rat played an important part, although I did sing along to the line following ‘I knew right from the start’.

“You put an arrow through my heart!”

And yes, I was very pleased with myself that I managed to predict that.

SleekPelt said...

I think they had live ratts in all of their videos!

Erin O'Brien said...

You boys have a regular Dr. Love fest going on here, dontcha?

Yeah, yeah. Just call me Beth.

Anonymous said...

i'm not trying to say that KISS is amazing or anything, but i'm not sure how they'd qualify for "Worst."

the label of worst always seems better suited to acts, movies, et cetera that require earnest appreciation. like, say, John Mayer.

moneytastesbad said...

OK, So its like a year since this post was made, so I doubt anyone will ever see this but....

I have to say I like Kiss and all three chords they play. However my favorite Kiss song is actually one that they covered

Here is the original

moneytastesbad said...

OK, so my link did not work.

Here ya go



http://youtube.com/watch?v=scfB8Sm2Hog

Erin O'Brien said...

I dig your uncovered kiss, money.

The Heretic said...

C'mon guys, I know y'all, and I know most of you were too young to really understand what Kiss was back in the day. The first album, as well as "Hotter Than Hell" were actually pretty good albums. Both live albums were okay for live albums (most live rock'n'roll albums suck, anyway), and "Destroyer" had some good stuff on it too. Example songs - "Goin' Blind" "Detroit Rock City" "She" & "Nothin'To Lose". And nobody sells The Sex Pistols short just because they mastered the art of press coverage. At the very least, Kiss represented a sharp contrast to all the hippie crap that had come through before. Not saying that most of of their career hasn't been pure commercialism with no concern towards real communication, but they started off as a rock'n'roll band, for sure. I have to throw in on the Ozzy comment, too. Ozzy, musically, has always been surrounded by talent. Is he so talented? maybe not. But Black Sabbath and the original Blizzard of Oz were both pretty badass bands!

SleekPelt said...

heretic: Welcome! (Shhh. Don't tell one. The KISS thing is greatly exaggerated.)

BottleOfPills said...

Opinions Are Like Assholes... This guys got one. I have mine. If you like Rock And Roll you have to give credit where credit is due.

Period.

In the 70's KISS drew crowds as large as the Beatles?

Is "Let's Put The X In Sex" the greatest song in the world? Hell No.

But, KISS Inspired many people to take up a guitar. Dimebag Darrell for instance. Maybe your not into that style, but he's a legend.

I can remember standing on my bed with a Tennis Racquet doing "Shock Me". KISS got me into Rock Music.... Are they the best? Hell no. But they made a lot of people listen and that's a good thing.

(I do take offense to the Ozzy comment) LOL.

So what are the bands you think are great? Let's hear it?

OH and I suspect Kiss is laughing all the way to the bank. Which afterall Music is a business.

Besides, How relevant is the blog when their writing about an irrelevant band?

As I'm sure Gene would tell you, go fuck yourself while I fuck your wife.

SleekPelt said...

bottleofpills: That's a funny comment. I admit I greatly exaggerated my disdain for the band, probably because I'd seen too many episodes of that Gene Simmons reality show and he was really starting to get on my nerves. Or maybe these are just repressed feelings I've been harboring since that KISS poster my older brother had used to scare the shit out of me. I shouldn't have taken that frustration out on Peter, Paul, and Ace, though. I had Double Platinum in college and listened to it many, many times.

And this blog is definitely not relevant, but thanks for stopping by anyway.

Erin O'Brien said...

Just the thought of mounting Gene Simmons fills me with a nameless dread.