Reversing the Numbness

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I, Dumbass.

Of all weeks to get sick. Not because I have important things to do—like deadlines, backburner home improvements, and practicing my cursive in the snow—but I'm stuck in front of the idiot box following the endless onslaught of ANS updates. Yes, the Marilyn Monroe/Lady Di of our (my?) time—Anna Nicole Smith.

Before I start, I shot Kurt Cobain. Just to piss off millions of zit-faced, teen punks who dip there faces and fingers in the fry-o-lator at Mickey's D's just to feel one-speck of an iota of Kurt's inner pain. Please, you silly minions, you got suckered. I own the CD, I'd good, and yet I still haven't had a seance nor lit a candle for Kurty. Kurt, the Lennon/Bono of our (my?) time? Wait...Bono?

Anna Nicole Smith, the dumbshit's dumbshit. Living (well) proof that the stupid don't know they're stupid. But who am I to judge. I don't have mega-millions, a TV show, or a boob job (although two out of three wouldn't be bad.) ANS on her best day was a Springer guest.

Let's get out the checklist:
1) Rube. Check.
2) Knocked-up Rube. Check.
3) Knocked-up Stripper Rube. Check.
4) Knocked-up Stripper Rube with BFTs (Big Fake Cleavage). Check.
5-300+ include: Modeling deals, Skinny, TV show, Fat, Playboy, Skinny, Old Crypt Keeper's keeper, Fat, Drugs, Fat/Skinny, blahblahblah

Ultimately, ANS's celebrity wasn't her fault or her own doing. And I'm sure she could've lived happily ever after as a small-town Texas girl/stripper. Society is to blame. Yes, society. We all want the underdog to succeed (see also: Rocky, Rocky II, maybe Rocky III because of Clubber Lang, but the rest sucked), but when said underdog reaches the pinnacle—they're all alone at the top with no one to save them but the same people who put them on top. Now, they're being told to jump. Ever read The Giving Tree in grade school? The ANS tree had nothing left to give. We may never know what actually happened that caused her untimely death although we have our National crack-team of experts on the case, like Geraldo, etc*.

Why do we care? Why is "live-breaking coverage" on every channel? Anybody hear that 135 people died in Iraq today? You know what? I did. Know how? I saw it on the new blip that was scrolling across the bottom of my screen while I was getting LIVE BREAKING COVERAGE OF ANS's DEATH!!!

Remember last month when that President guy died? All he got was an hour-long special before CSI: whatchamacallit on Saturdays. The man ran the country for a short time and took hell for 30 years because of his predecessor. That's taking one for the team. Doing an old guy in a wheelchair for a $billion or two isn't really the same. But, NOOO. We need all the news channels, on location, in the Bahamas, hanging on the word of every passer-by hoping to get some new info. Unless she popped out of that sheet and yelled "Boo!" I'd say the story stays the same. One jerk-off reporter even asked a employee of the hotel:

"What did it look like?"
"The body?" she replied.
"Yes!" he says with great enthusiasm.
"It looked like a sheet."


We may actually find out that Zsa-Zsa's husband is the father of Dannilynn (oh, yea, another one for the Rube checklist). But, will anyone really remember that poor dimwit, whose light shone bright for those rollercoaster 39 years and became a 3-DDD cartoon? After they do the death-reel at the Oscar's (you know they will), we'll recede back into the normalcy of War, Katrina leftovers, and America's Ugliest Dog on Animal Planet, then all will be right in the world until the next big event comes along. I hope I'm sick for that too.

Wait, LIVE BREAKING NEWS: Wolf Blitzer just found Kurt's trigger-toe!

* And for the love of all creatures great and small. If I'm going to get my earth-shattering insider information, I'm sure as hell not going to rely of that FemBeast Rita Crosby from MSNBC. Her man-voice, sound's like Jim Carrey doing Venus de Milo on In Living Color. How am I supposed to mourn the passing of my generation's heroine while all I can picture is a greasy Jim in a two-piece who's top "accidentally" falls off. (Kinda ironic considering the overall subject here.)

I want to be a Mythbuster.


SleekPelt said...

A. Men. I mean, if only ANS had had a milk carton in her fridge, and if only it had been turned at such an angle that you could actually see the missing kid on the side, we'd at least probably have a reunited family come from all of this.

Geraldo ---> Real dog.

Fleming said...

I'm not exactly sure who Jiveturkey is, but it's like you read my mind. how much longer will we be subjected to the continuing coverage? and how pathetic does the other Howard Stern look while he's sobbing away on a private jet to the Bahamas?