Me! Me!

I've been tagged. I've never done one of these things, but since Josh is responsible, I'm game.

DISCLAIMER: If I tag you and you don't want to do it, you won't have bad luck, you won't lose money, your face won't melt, your computer won't die, and God will still love you. In other words, no pressure.

Here are the rules:

1) Post these rules before you give your facts

2) List 8 random facts about yourself

3) At the end of your post, choose (tag) 8 people and list their names, linking to them

4) Leave a comment on their blog, letting them know they've been tagged

So here goes, my first meme. (Turns out "meme" doesn't mean "Me! Me!" like I thought it did. Go figure.)

1. I like to eat cheese in really small bites. Except bleu cheese, which I prefer to eat in no bites.

2. I was once beat up by a mob of fraternity boys on Halloween night. They were all in costume. I didn't know them; I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was grossly outnumbered and was kicked in the head a number of times. It didn't hurt that bad.

3. The first concert I ever saw was Donny Iris at the Robinson Grand Theatre in Clarksburg, WV. "Love will rock you. Never stop you. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Love is like a rock!" He did this big shtick on stage where he talked about getting sand kicked in his face in front of his girl at the beach back in the day, so he used it as motivation, went to the gym, did his push-ups, and finally he got the last laugh on the bullies. But I thought he still looked skinny as shit.

4. When I was in the third grade, I thought Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" was the worst song I'd ever heard. I remember thinking I was going to vomit one time when I heard it. My teacher that year was Mr. Beech, and he wore his watch with the face on the inside of his wrist. That bugged me.

5. I'm a decent juggler, and I can juggle three of just about anything I can handle, i.e. a basketball, a whiffle ball bat, and a tennis ball. If I'm juggling something soft I like to mix in hackey-sack tricks. If I'm juggling something edible I like to eat it while juggling it. Unless I'm juggling some kind of animal. Unless it's a fish. Speaking of which....

6. When I was in college I had a pet piranha named Roach. I actually had two for a short time, but apparently Roach didn't like Grady much. I wrote a series of poems about him and put them in a collection called My Pet Roach. It was all pretty much random, just like the urge to go get a piranha was.

7. I can blink my way through time, but only forward.

8. I liked Bjork even more after she wore that swan dress. I personally wear very boring clothing, but I really like when other people wear crazy, truly original stuff. The swan dress qualifies.

Now the tough part: who to tag. The problem is that most of the people who comment here on RtN don't actually have blogs. I'll do the best I can, though.

1. My Mule. Yes, Josh, I'm tagging you back. However, instead of having to answer all eight questions and tagging eight more people, you just need to write a haiku about how great the Pittsburgh Steelers are. That's five syllables, the seven, then five. Of course I broke the rules of this meme, so feel free to break the rules of the haiku.

2. Random Bite Marks. Sorry if you've already done this little meme, Valyna, but your answers are always so much fun. Plus, you actually have a blog.

3. Rob Zero. I believe you like lists, Rob, so maybe you'll participate.

4. Mungerphut. You may not have time to do this, Munger, seeing as how you're always reading. Like, apparently, always.

Okay, now I'm going to tag people whose blogs I'm finding randomly based on their excellent taste.

5. Queen of Napville. She likes A Confederacy of Dunces. Need I say more?

Wow, it's harder to find interesting random blogs than I thought. Therefore, I'm going to leave it to five now instead of eight. Wait a second, I can tag people who are contributors of this blog! You guys only have to worry about the second rule. Okay, here we go, the last three:

6. Zee. Tag.

7. Raoul Duke. Tag.

8. The Dalai Mama. Tag.

Friday Music

I was going through my iPod a few days ago trying to find something to listen to that matched my mood, and I stumbled onto an album I hadn't heard in a long time: Pink Floyd's The Final Cut. This isn't just any old album to me -- in fact, back in the day, it changed music as I knew it.

My pal G2theLow turned me on to Pink Floyd in high school with The Wall. I was familiar with "Another Brick in the Wall Part 2," but that was about it. One day when we were cruising around he kicked The Wall and I was floored. I'd never heard anything like it. I wanted it to be mine.

So the next time I went to the mall I checked Camelot Music, and The Wall, being a double CD, was like 25 bucks. I must have been short on bread, so I picked up the budget-priced Final Cut instead and I beelined to my dad's apartment and his new stereo--my only access to a CD player.

He wasn't there, so I loaded up one of the slots in the 6-CD Techniques cartridge with my new Floyd, turned up the volume, turned out the lights, and laid down in the middle of the floor. It was almost like I knew my life was about to change and I didn't want any other stimuli to interfere with the process. I remember it like it was yesterday, which is impressive, seeing as how I forget most of my life.

Play.

Automobiles pass in the rain. A car radio switches from station to station.

"...announced plans to build a nuclear fallout shelter at Peterborough
in Cambridgeshire..."
[phzzt! of returning]
"...three high court judges have cleared the way..."
[phzzt!]
"...It was announced today, that the replacement for the Atlantic
Conveyor the container ship lost in the Falklands conflict would be
built in Japan, a spokesman for..."
[phzzt!]
"...moving in. They say the third world countries, like Bolivia, which
produce the drug are suffering from rising violence...[fades]"

Tell me true, tell me why, was Jesus crucified
Is it for this that Daddy died?
Was it for you? Was it me?
Did I watch too much T.V.?
Is that a hint of accusation in your eyes?
If it wasn't for the nips
Being so good at building ships
The yards would still be open on the clyde.
And it can't be much fun for them
Beneath the rising sun
With all their kids committing suicide.
What have we done, Maggie what have we done?
What have we done to England?
Should we shout, should we scream
"What happened to the post-war dream?"
Oh Maggie, Maggie what did we do?

And my mind was completely blown. I stayed on the floor and let the first listen take me. Then I spun it again. I felt punch-drunk afterward.

I soon found the 25 bones and bought The Wall, which continued to reconstruct my idea of what music could be as I explored it more deeply. More Floyd albums followed. Then I tried Neil Young, Bob Dylan, The Grateful Dead. Others followed, and I let them all in. As the music in my life changed, so did my life itself.

I've been searching for the next mind-blower ever since, and I've found many, in various genres, but nothing will ever have the effect that The Final Cut had on me.

What was the first album that really got you? That's what I want to listen to today.

'Eers vs. Terps

WVU takes on Maryland tonight at 7:30 (ESPN2). Predictions, anyone? Pick the winning team and the score. The closest pick gets to choose the photo that runs over to the right there. (That's the best prize I could think of right now.)

I'll start it off.

WVU 55 - MD 17

Smurfin' Funny

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

I just found out that Bob Dylan and Elvis Costello are coming to Pittsburgh together in October. While I probably won't be able to make the show, I'm going to start my day off listening to these fine gentlemen. Then I believe I have some stuff from last week to catch up on.

After that? You tell me.

NFL Eve

It's NFL Eve and I'm starting to get excited. (In the meantime, Roddick vs. Federer will do.)

Go Steelers!

Classic Spider-Man

This is for anyone who grew up watching Spider-Man cartoons, like I did.



By the way, this is the 200th post on RtN. I've been a bit too busy to post much during the last week, but I should be able to pick it back up this week. Hopefully that trailer hot spot will open soon, because I'm still looking forward to checking it out.

Dick in a Box

One of my all-time faves from SNL, "Dick in a Box," has been nominated for an emmy. It's performed by Justin Timerlake and Andy Samberg. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out.

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

Okay, it's Thursday, but tomorrow will be chaotic, so I figured I'd start this week's music post on Thursday.

Hoop's got me checking out some spunk by a band called Spill Canvas. It's very Hoopish, and it's got me in the mood for upbeat music. I'm gonna hit up some Hendrix next. If you can send me links along with your suggestions, like good ol' Anon did last week, then I'll be like, "Word."

Oh, this is pretty interesting, if you haven't heard it yet:


powered by ODEO

Word.

Simpsonized

Okay, I Simpsonized myself. It looks a little like me, I guess. My favorite part is the Homer-style stubble. If anyone else has done this, I'd love to see your results. Post in the comments if you know how.

If you haven't done it and you'd like to, go all corporate at www.simpsonizeme.com.

More Classic Peanuts

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

I suddenly thought of one of my favorite Dr. Seuss lines ever:

Now bicycles were never made
For pale green pants to ride 'em
Especially spooky pale green pants
With nobody inside 'em

So I'm going to listen to Queen's "Bicycle Race," even though I don't like that song all that much. Any other suggestions? I'm all 'eers.

Words of Wisdom

My boy dropped this morsel on me a few minutes ago, and it's simply too enlightening not to share:

When people need to throw up, they do diarrhea.

Consider yourself educated.

Bobby Conn

Name That 'Do 5

I'd said Name That 'Do was retired, but like Michael Jordan, Jeremy McGrath, and my father-in-law, it's making a little comeback.

The subject for this one is female pop singers.



This one could be over early.

Toilet Humor

I guess our minds were in the gutter the other night when the DM and I came up with our two latest ideas.

First is a chain of restaurants called Fartagain's Irish Pub and Beanery. I really don't think this needs much embellishment.

Next is an idea that we were sure had been thought of before: Glade Butt Plug-Ins. Again, I think the purpose of these is pretty clear. Turns out it wasn't an original idea, and here's the proof. (Turn the volume down if there are kids around; swear-word alert.)

A New Breed

The DM ran across this cute little fella yesterday while browsing a local animal shelter's website. He's a pit bull/beagle mix. We've decided we're going to start breeding these dogs in an attempt to create the next great hybrid, a la peek-a-poo, labradoodle, etc.

I think we'll call them beabulls, unless someone has a better idea. (Okay, I really just wanted to post this photo, which cracks me up.)

The Run for No. 1

I just thought I'd share the latest cover of Sports Illustrated with you all. That's WVU's star running back, Steve Slaton, on the cover, who looks to be a contender for the Heisman Trophy this year. Fingers crossed, this looks to be a good year in sports for West Virginia University.

Some Great Links for Live Shows...content

Hey folks,

I am what you would call a "lurker" (someone that reads others but hardly ever posts) on a number of jamband message boards. Here is a very cool thread started by a girl on the Phish Phantasytour board. It has sendspace and other hosting sites with some great music you can pull down for free and more importantly Legally. Dead, Phish, Miles, Coltrane, Talking Heads and all kinds of other live shows... many of them soundboards. my harddrive has a bellyache ;)

Let me know if you have any success... Cheers its Friday! ~Dru

http://www.phantasytour.com/phish/boards_thread.cgi?threadID=1371459&page=1

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

Rock me. Roll me. Soothe me. Soul me. Hip me. Hop me. Someone, stop me!

Feed me, Seymour!

Random Thoughts Thursday

-If this crazy, messed-up world of ours had no coffee in it
I'd hop the first train out of here, I wouldn't stay a minute

-I'm happy to hear British singers actually sounding British. Sure, Billy Bragg always has, and there are others, but why do so many people seem to lose their accents when they sing? I'm thinking of Mick Jagger singing "I can't get no satisfaction." The last time I checked, Yanks and Brits say can't decidedly different, and Mick doesn't sing it like the Brits I know say it. Pop up-and-comers Lily Allen and Kate Nash, as well hip-hopper The Streets, sound properly British! Good on you, mates!

If there are any Brits still reading this blog, I'd love to hear your input into this. Paging Matt Allard. Come in, Mr. Allard.

-Speaking of singers, I'm totally into Mugison right now. Check him out and let me know what you think. It might make Rob Zero's ear's bleed. Try it, Rob!

-I left my cell phone out in the rain a couple of weeks ago, and while it still works, the backlight is broken. The only way I can see my address book, read texts, or look at my caller ID is to shine a flashlight on the display. Crazy but true.

I was at a race in Minnesota this past weekend and I needed to make a call, so I asked the people around me if anyone had a flashlight I could use. This guy David Bulmer proceeded to pull out his cell phone, which has a built-in flashlight. I used it to see my address book on my cell phone and make the call. I've been mulling it over ever since.

The Wedding Rap

A few weeks ago the DM and I had the pleasure of going to Philly to watch our pal Zee marry his sweetheart, Lanay. We knew that Zee, being one of the coolest humans on earth (Rob Zero, you nailed that speech), would have some cool stuff in store. Here's one of the highlights of their very cool wedding:

Amazing Light Graffiti

It's simply amazing what people think of....

Random Thoughs Thursday

-We live a short drive from the Zendik farm, right here in good ol' West By God Virginia. There's something to be said for giving up the trappings of modern life and living off the land with friends, I suppose, but if it's still like it was when Arthur Bradford checked it out 13 years ago, then at a Texas location, I think I'll pass, thankyouverymuch.

-To this day, the scariest, most intense thing I've ever done is hang gliding off the cliffs of La Jolla, California, with Steve Stackable. I almost shat.

-Three of my friends got medals in this year's X Games. Ronnie Renner got a gold in Moto X Step-Up, Ken Block got a silver in Rally, and David Pingree, who I also work with, got a bronze in Supermoto. And my good buddy Ryan Clark raced well in Moto X and almost made the main, sorta. Well done, gentlemen.

-I would pay $2 to hear Steady B's "Yo Mutha" right now.

-If you haven't seen Barry Gordy's Last Dragon, I highly suggest it. Here's one reason why:

The Sleek Awards: Worst Animal in the History of the World

Wow, this is the easiest award I've ever doled out. There's one animal that is so vile, so horrendous, responsible for so much putrescence, so much human suffering, that it sweeps this category so thoroughly that there aren't even any other nominees. The absolute worst animal that has ever been is, of course, the rat.

With all due respect to the fictional hero Randy Rat, the nicest rat anyone ever knew, in reality rats are the lowest of the low. All rats, even the ones the DM thinks are cute because they have giant ears and look like cartoon characters (I think the pictured beast is the one she likes), are creatures of darkness that are in the direct command of the evil one. And the greatest concentration of evil in a rat is in their tails. And also their feet.

Of course my kids love them and always have to go look at them at Petco. I just can't get close to them. I always go check out the snakes and turtles. Too bad they don't have bats; that's where I'd be hanging out.

Across the Universe

Back on my plane-crash-song post, I picked Fiona Apple's version of The Beatles song "Across the Universe." Tonight I found out there was a video for it:

The video's a lot like I would hope a plane crash would be and reminds me why I picked that song.

Friday Music

After a couple of weeks on hiatus, Friday Music is back. I'm already all hopped up on caffeine, so I'm going to take this opportunity to hang out with Social Distortion for a while today. After that? Well, it's up to you of course, so you tell me....

Random Thoughts Thursday

-Carnivale was the best show ever on television, and the fact that HBO dropped it mid-story after only two seasons is practically criminal. If the story goes unfinished, with all of the other mediums out there (movies/graphic novels/comic books, etc.), that really is criminal.

-Three to five birds fly into my office window on a daily basis. None have ever been hurt to my knowledge. What a surprise that must be to a bird, though. I know it's been quite shocking to me when I've walked into patio doors.

-I've listened to very little Social Distortion in my life, and I feel it's something I need to remedy soon.

-When I ride my motorcycle, I compulsively press my blinker-off button to make sure I'm not riding down the road with a bogus blinker. I sometimes do this ten times in a minute. This way, that bastard is off. Amazingly, I still manage to leave it on occasionally.

-I had a moment of clarity two nights ago while playing guitar. For about five minutes, while all alone in my dining room, I felt I played and sang the best I have in years, and I had an incredible feeling of emotion that lasted for the duration of that time. Then it came to an immediate halt and I put my guitar down and went to bed. I picked it up again last night and I was shit.

-This is pretty crazy:



-Here's a great Bright Eyes song for all the lovers and haters out there:

powered by ODEO

-For some reason, most of the blogs I like to read are defunct or at least in a serious holding pattern. I guess Winters always pass. Melissavina, what am I supposed to watch on Wednesdays? Finding new blogs to read is hard. Maybe I should start the Harry Potter series. But can it really be that good?

-If I had unlimited means, I'd have a barber shave my face three times a week. It will surprise no one who knows me that shaving is one of my least favorite things in the world. But so is long facial hair. I hate that even more than shaving. See my predicament?

All random thoughts are most welcomed. It feels sort of good to get them out, I'm finding.

More Classic Calvin

The Heely Debate

You've seen kids Heelying around town. One second they're walking normally, and the next they hop back on their heels, wheelie their toes up, and voila, they're Heelying down the road.

I'd always thought these were just for kids, but then my friend spooge got a pair. He's 35, and they're size 12.

At first I laughed at him. But if you know spooge, you know that if any adult can pull of Heeleys, he's the one. Turns out he pulls them off easily. I went down to visit him last week, and he wore his Heeleys out on the town. Want another beer? spooge Heeleyed right up to the bar. He was having a blast.

Later that night I tried them on, as I wear size 12 too. And you know what? They freakin' rule. No joke, I love those things. I could ride them right off the bat. But I'm also 35, and I'm just not sure I can pull them off like spooge can.

To Heely or not to Heely. That is the question.

Puttin' it to The Man

There's something deliciously appealing about busting into an assembly of snobs and dropping the smack down on them with a little dose of your own brand of reckless reality. But to really have the right effect, you have to be careful how you do it. Allow me to give you a quick lesson in the right and wrong ways to put it to the man.

Right Way



Wrong Way



Then again, James Spader's character snagged Kim Richards' with that number, and Treat Williams' character got killed in 'Nam, so maybe I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

The A Confederacy of Dunces Excerpt of the Day

I'm way overdue for one of these.

It is a great pity that John Kennedy Toole is not alive and well and writing. But he is not, and there is nothing we can do about it but make sure that his gargantuan tumultuous human tragicomedy is at least made available to a world of readers.
--From the Forward by Walker Percy

Records Matter

Every time I go to my in-laws house, I drool over my step-father-in-law's record collection. He doesn't even have a record player anymore, but he's still got all of his vinyl, and it's fabulous. Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Neil Diamond, Bill Withers, CSNY, Neil Young, John Denver, Donovan, Joe Cocker, Van Morrison, Cat Stevens, Pink Floyd, The Eagles, Elton John, Jackson Browne ... he's probably got 150 or so albums, and it's all stuff that was born on vinyl. A lot of it I've never even heard of.

So I drool over it, and it's gotten to the point where I obsessively think about getting a record player. I don't want a nice turntable that plays through a nice receiver on nice speakers. I want a cheap, all-in-one record player, like the one pictured, or like the one I had when I was a kid. My dad was a DJ when I was a small child and he had a nice little collection of 45s. It's where I met the Beatles' "Penny Lane," "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," and best of all, "Strawberry Fields." I listened to Barry McGuire's "Eve of Destruction" over and over and over again, my friend. I listened to "Snoopy and the Red Baron," to Electric Light Orchestra, and to so many more songs that I still know all of the words to. I forget a lot about being a kid, but I don't forget those records.

Later I got my own albums. Kenny Rogers, of course, was one of the first, and eventually I became a Billy Joel fan via vinyl. I also bought a lot of 45s. I loved Joan Jett's rendition of "Crimson and Clover" and also the Bangles' "Manic Monday." Also Elton John -- I had "Empty Garden" and "Nikita" on 45s. And who can forget the Beatles montage "Stars on 45"? Classic.

So I'll have a record player soon, and it's going right in my living room. I actually bought four old Billy Joel albums in Philly this past weekend, for a buck a piece, to start my collection. I can't wait to add more.

As much as I like music, I'm not much of a stickler for sound quality, so I won't care that my records will sound like shit compared to my CDs and iPod. I'll be too busy eating up the atmosphere they'll create. I can't wait to gently drop my first "new" record down on the turntable. The smell of old vinyl! I can't wait to lift the arm and lightly lay the needle down on the edge of the record, to feel the record take control of the needle and engage the first song. I can't wait to hear the snap and crackle of audio imperfection as Billy Joel sings "She's Got a Way" to kick off Cold Spring Harbor. I can't wait!

Sure hope it lives up to my expectations, because the anticipation is sort of making me feel like a kid again.

Ghost Hunters

I've never had a paranormal experience. I thought perhaps I had when I blogged about a strange flying neon orb back in January, but after careful examination, and with the help of my mother-in-law, I (she) determined that it was probably a paint-ball that missed its target (my car). Later I found out a guy I know who lives by the "incident" has had his car hit by a paintball before. Case solved.

But I'm interested in that stuff, so the DM and I used to watch Ghost Hunters on the Sci-Fi Channel religiously. Most of the time Jason, Grant and their crew would debunk claims of paranormal activity, but every now and then they'd capture evidence that was pretty compelling.

The best case of this in my opinion is the St. Augustine Lighthouse episode. During their investigation they caught what appears to be a ghost chase up a spiral staircase inside the lighthouse. They clearly hear something, and then the video they capture seems to show someone peeking over the railing, and then moments later, over the railing a couple of floors up. When they make it to the top of the stairs, all they find is door that's locked on the inside with a padlock.

Here's the video from when they reveal the footage to the keeper of the lighthouse. Because it's Youtubed it's not nearly as clear as it looked on my TV screen, but you may be able to get the gist of it:



If you didn't see it on TV, it's probably not that impressive, but it's the closest thing I've ever seen to paranormal activity. It definitely made for a good episode, anyway.

On a side note, I interviewed Jason Hawes for Racer X last year. Turns out he's into dirt bikes. He was a cool guy.

Friday Music

It's Friday. But I don't need music!

The Dalai Mama and I are leaving in few minutes for Zee's wedding -- can't wait! -- so the only request I have today is that the weather stays great and Zee and the lovely L have the day they're hoping for. In their honor, I leave them with a gushy love song by the incomparable Sade.


powered by ODEO

Hot Spots

I almost hate to write this post because I think it could support negative stereotypes of West Virginia, but we've got a bizarre thing going on that's just getting out of control. I know this is happening in other places too, but I'm not sure how widespread it is.

A few years ago legislation passed that legalized video gambling machines in small doses. Naturally bars started taking advantage of it, and it didn't take long for a whole new breed of place to open: the hot spot. These new gambling bars often go into some pretty weird locations, spots that would never host a bar otherwise. It's pretty insane how many of these places are popping up.

There's a three-mile stretch of road on the way to my house, partly commercial and partly low-income residential, and there are six of these places on that route. Check 'em out.

This place used to be a used-car lot:



Here's where someone put one in a gas station:


I really don't know what kind of building this one was. Maybe a house?



Old retail plazas are prime locations for hot spots, like this one:



This was a little NASCAR restaurant that converted. Cool paint job on the garage door:



So I was driving down this road the other day and I noticed a guy painting his place in WVU blue and gold. The Dalai Mama noticed the same thing and mentioned it later that night, because it was just strange. It wasn't until a couple of days later that we found out why he was painting it that way:



Yes, it's a trailer. And not a modular-in-a-commercial-lot sort of trailer, but a crappy-old-trailer-park sort of trailer.

I'm going to start calling them crack houses, I think. Seems applicable.

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

Everything is off. Complete sensory deprivation. Pitch black, numb. Nothing to smell. Nothing to taste. I hear nothing.

Wait ... a sound! A note! More notes! I'm starting to make it out. Is it ... could it be ... William Shatner "singing" Blur? Is this happening?

It is. I seem to see something move in front of me. I feel a cool breeze dance across my face. What's that smell? Oranges. And there's a slight ... metallic taste.

With every song I hear, the rest of my senses come back, and I'm once again completely alive.

Bring me back to life.

The Sleek Awards: Best Family Picture

Who am I kidding? I loved this movie way before I had a family. This is just one of the best pictures of any genre, ever, end of story. And since the 20th anniversary of its release is only a couple of months away, now is as good a time as any to bestow this award on it. So....

The Sleek Award for best family picture goes to:

The Princess Bride

You've all seen it, so I won't bother with the synopsis. Instead, here's a little reenactment some dude did of one of the most famous scenes from the movie. If you're as familiar with this film as I am, you'll know just how good this kid is.

The Sleek Awards: Best Episode of Three's Company

We all watched it. Jack Tripper's zany adventures with his hot roommates made Three's Company one of the most beloved sit-coms of the late '70s and early '80s. You might think it would be hard to narrow all of the awesome episodes down to one ultimate show, but through much deliberation I've succeeded. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce the latest recipient of the increasingly prestigious Sleek Awards:

The episode where there was a misunderstanding.

Unfortunately, I don't remember the name of the episode, but if I describe it I'm sure you'll remember it. I think it was Crissy who opened a door and heard Jack and Janet talking about something as innocent as can be, but Crissy misunderstood the meaning and thought there was some kind of hanky panky going on. Later Mr. Furley -- or was it the Ropers? -- got the low-down from Crissy about what she thought was going on, and then when they next saw Jack and Janet, the young roommates said something that again was innocent but, in the context of Mr. Furley's/The Ropers' confused idea of what was going on, propagated the misunderstanding! Add to the mix the introduction of Larry, who also somehow got the idea that Crissy was in love with him, and then later Jack made dinner and somehow had a mishap with a bag of flour that ended up on everyone involved. This is when the truth was finally revealed, and everyone went to the Regal Beagle and had a drink.

It was the best episode ever, for sure, and therefore deserves this award more than all of the others. If you ever see that this episode is airing, set your TiVo immediately!

The Sleek Awards: Best Ending to an '80s Slasher Flick

And the winner is:

Sleepaway Camp





Spoiler warning! If Sleepaway Camp is at the top of your Netflix queue and you don't want to blow it all by watching this ending, skip this post! Also, you may have to have a Youtube account to be able to view this because of what some may deem as objectionable content.

UPDATE: You don't need an account to watch this clip. View away!

The Sleek Awards: Best Non-Domesticated Animal

This is the inaugural Sleek Award, and it's an important one. With the millions of species of animals roaming the earth, it might seem a daunting task to single out one as the best of the non-domesticates, but I've done it confidently and definitively. Without further ado, the best non-domesticated animal on planet Earth is:

The bat.

There are about 1,100 species of bats worldwide, so it would be hard to single out one species as the absolute greatest. So bats of all kinds -- chestnut short-tailed bats, mastiff bats, black myotis bats, long-tongued bats, disk-winged bats, fringe-lipped bats, and all the rest -- can share in this prestigious award.

You may be wondering why the bat was chosen as the recipient of the inaugural Sleek Award. The reasons follow:

1. Flight. Bats are the only mammals that can really fly. Sure, so called "flying" squirrels can get a pretty good glide going, but let's see what happens when they need to get back up into the tree. That's right -- they have the climb the bitch. No, only the bat can make a mammalian claim to the sky.

2. Echolocation. Bats can "see" better through echolocation than most mammals, including yours truly, can see with their eyes. Dolphins and whales use echolocation as well, but are they plucking bugs out of the air with it? I don't think so. I shot a beetle out of the air with a BB gun once when I was a kid and I've been talking about it ever since. Bats do it hundreds of times a night. You should see the greater bulldog bat echolocate frogs -- maybe ten a night! -- that are trolling along the surface of the water. They're hopeless -- the bat will win that fight every time. All of that said, it's a myth that bats have poor eyesight. Most bats actually have an acute sense of vision, particularly at distances greater than their echolocation can reach.

3. I hate bugs. At least the ones that mess with you when you're trying to have a beer on your porch. Bats will not only let you have your beer, but they'll also munch the bugs that are trying to thwart you. Bats rule for this.

4. They have insanely cool wings.


5. They're super cute. Face it, bats are about as cute as it gets. Think I'm crazy? Check out this adorable little spotted bat:

What a little sweet-pea. You think this bastard can't hear? And how about the giant golden-crowned flying fox?


Nothing short of gorgeous.

6. They've got great poop. Bat guano is an excellent organic fertilizer.

7. They're so not rodents. Bats are so far from rodents it almost makes me vomit. I hate rodents, as you'll see when I announce the Sleek Award for worst non-domesticated animal. Some bastards think of bats as flying rodents, and these are often the same people who double-park their Corvettes and chain their dogs up. Bats are more closely related to whales than they are rodents. Seriously.

8. They're creatures of the night. In order to be cool, you have to stay out late. Bats do.

9. Long tongues. One species of bat has the longest tongue relative to its body size of any other mammal. Gene Simmons, you rotten poser, eat your heart out.

Okay, so bats sometimes carry rabies, and most people in the US who get rabies actually do get it from bat bites. Big whoop. I'm not going to let this little detail get in the way of the magnificent bat getting its rightful claim to the Sleek Award for the best non-domesticated animal in the world.

Who's the guy on Twenty-One Jump Street?

If you're a fan of Homestar Runner, one of the funniest sites on the inter-web for some seven years now, then you already know the answer.

Started as a goof by two brothers in 2000, Homestar Runner has become a true internet phenomenon and straight-up cultural icon. Homestar Runner himself is the loveable, armless buffoon for which the site is named. Homestar, Strong Bad, his sidekick The Cheat, and a legion of whimsical characters that comprise the Homestar Universe are featured in a hodge-podge of 3 minute cartoons, songs, commercial parodies and random funny things. There are even cartoons and games that are "created by" the characters themselves (such as Strong Bad's Teen Girl Squad).

Every few months I become obsessed with HSR. I watch everything on the site 5 times over and then tire of it and forget about it, only to re-discover it all over again months later. Guess where we're at right now?

I could waste your time rambling on about everything great on Homestar Runner or you could just go there and see for yourself. So what are you waiting for already?

Feel free to ask what my favorites are if you are overwhelmed. Enjoy.

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

We're having a few people over from the office tonight, and here's the playlist I've got going so far. (For some reason it's taking a little while to load.) I still need to move some stuff around and maybe even add a few songs.

What am I missing?

Random Canal Shots ("Honey, time to mow the roof!")

What a Pisser!

It was a good trip. I arrived on Tuesday and took a cab to my Hotel, the beautiful Banks Mansion on Herengracht. When staying in Amsterdam, there's no good reason to stay down in the Dam area, as far as I'm concerned. The city is much cooler away from all the hustle (literally) and bustle.

One of the great things about foreign travel is the bathrooms. Countries simply do bathrooms differently. The one in my hotel room wasn't too far from an American bathroom:


The only thing unusual here (if American stuff is usual to you, that is) is the push-button flusher on the top of the tank. But this bathroom also had an amazing feature in the rain-fall shower:



Yeah, my own in-room steam shower with the eucalyptus option. And believe me, the eucalyptus option was money!

Sure, I was spoiled by my hotel's push-button flusher and steam shower, but when I was out and about on the streets of Amsterdam, I lived like the locals and used this baby:




Here's the inside view:


Step right up, ladies! Unfortunately I didn't get a photo of the public urinals that don't even have the shield around them. Hey, if people regularly just piss on the street, you might as well put a urinal there!

More later.

Amsterdam Magic

Wow, it's been way too long since I've posted on here. I just didn't have much extra time in Amsterdam, but I'll definitely post more about the trip shortly. It was a damn fine time. In the meantime, here's a pretty cool image I captured at about 10 pm on Friday night. (It doesn't get dark until almost 11pm there at this time of year.) We stepped off the train at Centraal Station that evening into a magical Amsterdam that was aglow with soft, late light. The intense rainbow that arced over the whole city was like icing on top. People everywhere were gazing skyward at the spectacle. It was breathtaking.



More later.

Russia Who?

There's nothing like new love to help a person get over a broken heart. In my case, my new mistress is The Netherlands, and I'm going to her on Wednesday. Goodbye Russia, hello Assen MotoGP!

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

And, please, nothing with an Eastern European flair to it. Russia just broke up with me, and it's just too soon.

Five Seconds of Bliss

To Russia with Love

In a week I'll be packing my bags for Russia for my Tuesday departure. I'm extremely excited about it. I haven't been out of the USA in a couple of years, I think, and I'm more than ready.

Some random musings about my trip:

The reason I'm going to Russia is to check out the Red Bull X-Fighters freestyle motocross show. The best FMXers in the world will be there, including Travis Pastrana and my buddy Ronnie Renner, jumping in front of the Vasilyevsky Spusk. If all goes according to plan, I'm going to blog from there throughout my trip, though it'll be on our official Racer X travel blog.

One thing I've been struggling with is what to read while abroad. I'm in the middle of a couple of books right now, but none of them are slaying me. I've been meaning to read Oliver Twist for years now, but since I'm going to Russia, I'm starting to lean toward Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. I read the first few pages in a bookstore last month and was captured immediately, and it seems like an appropriate read given the circumstances. I really won't have much time to read anyway, but I always have to have a book while traveling.

I have a direct flight from Atlanta to Moscow that lasts 11 hours. When I land it'll be 10:30 AM, and it's imperative that I sleep on the flight, which I always have trouble doing. I plan on seeing my doctor tomorrow to see what he can give me to help facilitate this.

I'm learning basic Russian phrases as well as I can, but it's a tough language if you have no experience. This site helps a lot. I'd like to at least be able to be polite in Russian.

I will drink vodka while there.

I just saw a piece on CNN that lists Moscow as the most expensive city in the world. New York City is #15, I believe, and L.A. is in the 40s. But Moscow is #1.

Still, I'll drink vodka while there.

More Classic Calvin

If you miss him as much as I do, read more here.

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

In fact, to commemorate this, the 150th post on RtN, I'd like to bring the rock. I got in this mood yesterday when I was blessed with Quiet Riot's "Cum on Feel the Noize" on the Hair Metal Nation station of Sirius. So, as Dee Snider would say, "I wanna rock."

Starting with Nirvana. Anything else?

from PrehistoriC to imMACulate

The day has finally come. Today, on the same day that I saw Vista for the first time, I turned in my PC and moved over to the light. I'm now a Mac user.

I'm only a day in, and it's astounding how much better this computer is. I'm already a Mac snob. PCs? P'shaw.

Our art department is rejoicing.

What I've Learned

Here is one of my true pleasures and monthly rituals. As soon as my new Esquire issue is delivered, I turn to the one feature that never disappoints: What I've Learned. It gives a very cool person every month a page to write whatever and a cool photo of them on the other page. Here is what Elvis has to say in honor of my boy, Sleek. There are tons of other cool folks. I have incorporated some of there life knowledge into my life. Hope you enjoy.


What I've Learned
What I've Learned: Elvis Costello

Songwriter, 48, Dublin

By Tom Junod

10/31/2003, 9:00 PM
Print Email RSS Add to Digg Add To del.icio.us Choose a font size

What have I learned? Well, you can answer that on so many levels, can't you? You can answer it on a philosophical level, or you can say, "I know this restaurant," or "Always get the foam pillow."

I was in a room with Chuck Berry once. I said to myself, I don't want to meet you. I just want to look at you. He was scary.

We're all just animals. That's all we are, and everything else is just an elaborate justification of our instincts. That's where music comes from. And romantic poetry. And bad novels. Sometimes when I finish a bad novel, I say, "You wrote seven hundred pages just to say that? Couldn't you have just said, 'I want to fuck'?"

Fruit helps in the middle of the day.

Happiness isn't a fortune in a cookie. It's deeper, wider, funnier, and more transporting than that.

I'm not very good at joyful.

You need to meet Sting. He's a totally charming guy. He's always been a nice guy, very good-looking, he's got a good voice -- it's not a voice I like particularly, but he's written one or two really beautiful songs, and he's been extraordinarily fortunate in many ways. He's some people's idea of sophisticated. He plays the corporate events; maybe nobody invites him to any better parties. But there's always somebody in music who's equivalent to that role, and I think he's easy to hold up as kind of an Aunt Sally. I don't think he's an insincere musician. He just doesn't seem to value the same things about music that I do.

Songs are more powerful than books.

Elvis probably had a little more curiosity than the next kid, and that's why he was him.

In John Lennon's songs, people tend to isolate the lines that sound like epitaphs or greeting cards. It's very odd to drive by the Liverpool airport and see the logo with his drawing and the words "Above us only sky." The sky is full of planes! But everybody becomes a mass-pattern tablecloth in the end.

I've seen a lot of exotic places in my work and all my traveling. But the place I still want to see is the place in somebody's eyes. You know: Travel less, see more.

I don't like that idea, eye surgery. I won't be getting that. It's like penile enlargement or something.

Living a very long time would be a very scary thing.

Eventually we'll need jet packs to get around and space helmets with Ventolin in them to allow us to breathe. Do you know what Ventolin is? It's what asthmatics take. A lot of kids have asthma now. We've done a good job at mucking things up.

Read the magazines at the margins of the music industry. That's where most of the interesting music is.

They used to just get on with things, didn't they? They had the blues then. They understood the idea of the blues.

I used to wear these blue lenses all the time. You really do get depressed if you wear blue lenses. When people say, "You're looking at the world through rose-colored glasses," well, I have no idea what rose ones do, but I know what blue ones do. They make you sad.

I didn't even own a Bob Dylan record until 1971. To me, he was a great singles artist. You heard him on the radio. What a shocking thing to live in a world where there was Manfred Mann and the Supremes and Engelbert Humperdinck and here comes "Like a Rolling Stone." That was a great world, a very exciting time.

The assumption that something is not for you is an assumption that can be undone in time.

It's very important to allow yourself the ability to have a second thought. Because if you put everything into breaking down the door, what are you going to say when you get in there?

Singing with Emmylou Harris: If there is heaven, that's what it's like.

People don't know that music can affect your sense of smell, but it can.

All songs are motivated by revenge or guilt? Did I say that? I must have been full of Pernod.

There are about five things to write songs about: I'm leaving you. You're leaving me. I want you. You don't want me. I believe in something. Five subjects, and twelve notes. For all that, we musicians do pretty well.

Elvis Costello has just released North, his twenty-fourth record.

I ♥ Cat Power

Oops, that wasn't even the song I wanted to post. I like this one much better:

Friday Music

It's Friday. I need music.

You name it, I'll play it. But this week, if I may be so bold, I hope some of you will join in with me on the first two songs I'm going to listen to. I'd love to know what you think of them.

First is a mellow song by a band I'm just getting into, the Avett Brothers.


powered by ODEO

Next is a number by Rufus Wainwright, who's sort of hit or miss for me. This song's a big hit, though. Also super mellow, simple piano, yet somehow epic. This is a live recording from KEXP.


powered by ODEO

What's next?

Batman and the Yellow Sports Wagon

It was the summer of 1989, just before my senior year in high school, and I was 17 years old. The greatest week of my year, camp week, was but a few days away. I was on top of the world. Then I woke up with a sore throat. A very sore throat.

At first I held on to hope that it would clear up, but it didn't take long for me to realize that this wasn't just an ordinary sore throat. Within a day I was admitted to the hospital with a hard-core case of mono.

Not only was I devastated to have to miss out on my yearly camp experience, but I felt absolutely miserable. My throat got so bad that the only thing I could eat for two days was whipped cream. I was so worn down that I could barely walk to the bathroom. I'd end up spending three or four nights in the hospital, watching the summer days pass outside my window and thinking about all the awesome things I was missing. I sank into a pretty deep depression.

During this time, there were only two things that made me feel better. The first was my nightly dose of Demerol and the second was knowing that Batman, starring Michael Keaton, was due to be released soon.

For some reason, I was just crazy about this movie. I wasn't even into comic books, but when I heard this film was coming out, I got all amped up. Somebody brought me a copy of Premiere, which had Batman on the cover, to read in the hospital, and I kept telling myself that I'd know I was on the road to recovery when I was finally well enough to catch this flick.

Anyone who's had a bad case of mono knows that recovery comes slowly, and after I got out of the hospital I was laid up for a good week or so before I could do much of anything. Eventually I started to come around, though, and as soon as I was remotely well enough, I called my buddy Raoul Duke (pictured). Time to go catch Batman!

We usually went to see movies in Fairmont, which was 20 minutes up the freeway, just because they had chairs that reclined back and it was always cool to leave town by ourselves at that age. Good ol' Raoul swung by my house and picked me up in his good ol' Yellow Sports Wagon. My recovery was under way -- everything was going to be okay.

Before he picked me up, I specifically remember looking at the thermometer, and it was a scorching 104 degrees Fahrenheit (40 degrees Celsius). As we embarked on our journey to my well-being, I remembered that the Yellow Sports Wagon wasn't equipped with air-conditioning. Oh, well. The fresh West Virginia air would probably do me good, even if it was packed with 98 percent humidity.

As I reached down to twist the window's handle, Raoul said the following:

"Uh, what are you doing?"

I sort of looked around to see if there was someone else in the car he could be talking to, but when I realized that he was indeed talking to me, I answered:

"Uh, putting my window down."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, see, I'd really rather you didn't do that."

"Dude, shut the eff up!" I reached down again toward the window. He slowed the car down and said:

"I'm serious. I don't want the window down."

"What? It's 104 degrees! I'm freaking dying here! Why don't you want the window down?"

What Raoul didn't know was that I had a tape recorder going at the time, secretly recording our conversation. After nearly 20 years of keeping the existence of this tape a secret, I'm bringing it out right here on RtN. And I'm going to uncover it by playing Raoul's actual answer as to why I couldn't put the window down in this extreme situation. This audio recording hasn't been manipulated in any way and is 100 percent authentic.

Click here to hear Raoul's response.

It was his car, so I relented. My throat started to swell. After a few miles, I started to hyperventilate, and soon I was hallucinating as we raced zebras up the interstate. Eventually we made it to Fairmont and to the theater. As the door of the Yellow Sports Wagon opened up, I looked like an Army recruit fleeing from the tear-gas house at boot camp. I was lying in the parking lot, gasping for air, my throat well on the way to swelling shut again.

Raoul said Batman was great, at least as far as he could tell, since he spent the whole movie making out with some Fairmont chick in the back row. I wouldn't know, because I spent those same hours recovering on a cot in the theater's office. But I wasn't mad. Raoul's perfect hair got him the girl, and as a best bud, if you can't make a sacrifice for the greater cause, what kind of friend are you?

Who Would Play You?

We have a feature in the magazine I work for called "2 Tribes," where we find two people who are somehow related -- same name, similar job, same birthday, etc. -- and we ask them an identical set of questions. I'm always interested to see how people answer the "Who would play you in a movie?" question. So I'm going to pose this same question here.

Who would play you in a movie?

I'll start: Zach Braff, because he'd nail the silly-dance scenes.

--------------------

On a side note, I'd like to direct everyone on over to Melissavina's blog for a little dose of "What to Watch on Wednesday." Trust me, this is not to be missed, even if you don't get to it until Thursday.

Sarah Smiles (If You Visit Her on IMDB)

Meet my friend Sarah Lieving. Raoul Duke, Spooge, G2theLow and I graduated with her big sister, but she and I have become friends recently because she's into motorcycle racing, and we have some mutual friends. (And she owes me, like, 12 beers.) Sarah's making movies out in SoCal, which is her dream I think, but she's looking to take her career up a notch.

Now, I'm pretty sure I don't have any high-level Hollywood agents visiting RtN, so I doubt this post will do much to affect her career in any significant way. But what my blog buddies could do for Miss Lieving is check out her IMDB.com profile page. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but they've got some sort of rating system, and the more times her page gets accessed, the higher she moves up in the rankings. This is clearly a good thing. So, please!, check her out. (Also at her personal website.)

As for her movies, I'm afraid I've yet to see one. I know The Beast of Bray Road was on the Sci-Fi channel a while back but I missed it, so I'm still awaiting my chance to check out her work. I love horror flicks, though, and that seems to make up most of Sarah's repertoire, so I'm looking forward to it.

I think you owe me 13 beers now, Sarah.

Yes? Hell no!

A while back I made a post about my distaste for poser "rockers" KISS. I typically try to stay as positive as possible, but this evening I've decided to talk about another band from that era that I simply can't stand: Yes.

Yes, I hate Yes.

Yes, they can play their instruments. Yes, their music was complicated stuff. But did it actually sound good? To me, hell no.

In fact, the best thing I can say about Yes is that they had really cool album covers. Beyond that, I think they suck toads.

So I've decided to make a list of some songs that I would honest-to-god rather listen to than any Yes song.

1. Air Supply's "All Out of Love"
2. Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart," written by Air Supply
3. Juice Newton's "Angel of the Morning"
4. Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud" (this one took some soul searching, but I'm pretty sure it goes on this list) Robbie Dupree's "Hot Rod Hearts"
5. Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy"
6. Milli Vanilli's "Girl, I'm Gonna Miss You"
7. Ugly Kid Joe's remake of "Cat's in the Cradle"
8. George Thorogood's "Bad to the Bone" (also took soul searching)
   
9. Extreme's "Hole Hearted" Meatloaf's "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
10. Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"

Happy Saturday night!

Thought I might share the nuggets of wisdom from under the bottlecaps as I libate (is that a word?) tonight. Enjoy!

1. "Humor is a Tumor when it becomes a Rumor."

Rock the Vote!