Animals as Allies

I think I heard a story about dolphins saving a surfer from a shark recently, or something like that, and I've been thinking about animals as allies ever since. How many animals can really be considered allies of mankind? I guess just two: dogs and dolphins.

Dogs are a no-brainer. There's even a best-friend cliche. They show concern for us all the time. Dolphins are of course more mysterious, and our alliance with them isn't nearly as solid. But it's pretty selfless when they help us in wild situations, considering the things we've done to them and the threat we continue to pose. What do they have to gain from rescuing a surfer from a shark? Do they think the surfer is going to head back to shore and convince everyone to stop killing them? They're less likely to be killed by the shark, and for this, I consider them true allies.

What about horses? Cats? Pet pigs? Do these animals care about us, or do they just coexist peacefully with us? Would they intentionally help us out in a tight spot if they weren't personally in that tight spot as well?

I don't know. The Electric Orchid Hunter will probably tell me there's a monkey in Africa that likes to give tired people back rubs. But for all I know, only dogs and dolphins really have our backs.

Speaking of TEOH, you should check out the photos from his laboratory in Colorado. There's some good business over there.

Bird Droppings

I've been thinking a lot lately about birds dying mid-flight. Certainly there are birds that have heart attacks or other instantly immobilizing health problems while they're flying, but I can't say that I've ever seen one just drop out of the air. Wouldn't that be surprising? Imagine if you were just walking along, or maybe riding your motorcycle or something, and a hawk comes crashing down on your head.

That would be surprising.

Addictions

My pal Jeff has a great blog at Cigarettes and Coffee. If you haven't checked it out, I suggest you do. He often writes about comics and video games, but his mind wanders from time to time, and his latest post is about his current addictions.

If anyone knows where to get peppermint-stick ice cream in New York, could you let Jeff know?

Tonight I'm Gonna Party Like It's 1999

Check out this video from 1967. (The DM saw this on Snopes.com, and it's legit.) Talk about nailing it.

So here we are, still in the infancy of the information age (though this puppy is growing up fast!). What will it be like 30 years from now?

Favorite Quotes

When I was in high school my great aunt Alice gave me a little book of quotes. It was so little that it could fit in my wallet, and because of the following quote, it stayed there for years. I wish I still had that little book, but I'll never forget this William Penn anecdote:

I expect to pass through life but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again. William Penn

No amazing word play here, just simple words to live by.

What quotes do you like?

Gibberish

Learn Gibberish

Hangin' With The Kindershorty

Having two shorties is great, but once you've have two shorties for a while, it's a real treat to get some quality time with one of them. The DM is off to Virginia to get her hair chopped off, and she took the young shorty with her, so I got to spend the afternoon and evening with the kindershorty. Here she is:


Isn't she a little sweet pea? She was at my office for hours, waiting patiently as we pushed to finish a book by deadline. (We did it. Nice work, J-Ko and Hoop.) Then we went downtown and had ice cream cones with sprinkles (her) and crunchies (me) while walking down High Street and talking about things and people we saw. We sang "Country Roads" almost the entire ride home, then after she aced her sight words (homework in kindergarten!), we went upstairs and did somersaults onto the bed. I'm officially old now that I get dizzy from doing somersaults.

She asked if she could go to sleep in our room tonight, and I of course let her. We read a book about Little Bear, then talked about the imaginary Cloud Town we started inventing last night when she couldn't get the image of Big John's ghost out of her head and was afraid she'd have "terrible dreams." We turned the light off and I sang "Wonderful Tonight" and the theme song of Cheers to her. I have no idea where that one came from. She fell asleep and I made it downstairs about a minute before kickoff.

What an awesome night.

On Walking (and Seeing)

As I was walking from the back of the building to my desk, it dawned on me how lucky I am that I can. Just thought I'd take a second to acknowledge that to the universe. (Oh, and universe, I'm also pretty stoked about the whole sight thing too. It's much appreciated, really.)

That's Some Good Business Right There

I've been saying something lately and I'm wondering if I picked it up somewhere else or if I just started doing it.

Business

I've basically been using the word business in place of stuff, like so:

(i.e. The DM makes an awesome stir-fry)
"That's some good business right there."

(i.e. I'm getting into my backpack)
"Man, there's all kind of business in here."

Am I just horking this from the kids?

Words of Wisdom

My boy dropped this morsel on me a few minutes ago, and it's simply too enlightening not to share:

When people need to throw up, they do diarrhea.

Consider yourself educated.

Toilet Humor

I guess our minds were in the gutter the other night when the DM and I came up with our two latest ideas.

First is a chain of restaurants called Fartagain's Irish Pub and Beanery. I really don't think this needs much embellishment.

Next is an idea that we were sure had been thought of before: Glade Butt Plug-Ins. Again, I think the purpose of these is pretty clear. Turns out it wasn't an original idea, and here's the proof. (Turn the volume down if there are kids around; swear-word alert.)

A New Breed

The DM ran across this cute little fella yesterday while browsing a local animal shelter's website. He's a pit bull/beagle mix. We've decided we're going to start breeding these dogs in an attempt to create the next great hybrid, a la peek-a-poo, labradoodle, etc.

I think we'll call them beabulls, unless someone has a better idea. (Okay, I really just wanted to post this photo, which cracks me up.)

Random Thoughts Thursday

-If this crazy, messed-up world of ours had no coffee in it
I'd hop the first train out of here, I wouldn't stay a minute

-I'm happy to hear British singers actually sounding British. Sure, Billy Bragg always has, and there are others, but why do so many people seem to lose their accents when they sing? I'm thinking of Mick Jagger singing "I can't get no satisfaction." The last time I checked, Yanks and Brits say can't decidedly different, and Mick doesn't sing it like the Brits I know say it. Pop up-and-comers Lily Allen and Kate Nash, as well hip-hopper The Streets, sound properly British! Good on you, mates!

If there are any Brits still reading this blog, I'd love to hear your input into this. Paging Matt Allard. Come in, Mr. Allard.

-Speaking of singers, I'm totally into Mugison right now. Check him out and let me know what you think. It might make Rob Zero's ear's bleed. Try it, Rob!

-I left my cell phone out in the rain a couple of weeks ago, and while it still works, the backlight is broken. The only way I can see my address book, read texts, or look at my caller ID is to shine a flashlight on the display. Crazy but true.

I was at a race in Minnesota this past weekend and I needed to make a call, so I asked the people around me if anyone had a flashlight I could use. This guy David Bulmer proceeded to pull out his cell phone, which has a built-in flashlight. I used it to see my address book on my cell phone and make the call. I've been mulling it over ever since.

The Heely Debate

You've seen kids Heelying around town. One second they're walking normally, and the next they hop back on their heels, wheelie their toes up, and voila, they're Heelying down the road.

I'd always thought these were just for kids, but then my friend spooge got a pair. He's 35, and they're size 12.

At first I laughed at him. But if you know spooge, you know that if any adult can pull of Heeleys, he's the one. Turns out he pulls them off easily. I went down to visit him last week, and he wore his Heeleys out on the town. Want another beer? spooge Heeleyed right up to the bar. He was having a blast.

Later that night I tried them on, as I wear size 12 too. And you know what? They freakin' rule. No joke, I love those things. I could ride them right off the bat. But I'm also 35, and I'm just not sure I can pull them off like spooge can.

To Heely or not to Heely. That is the question.

Puttin' it to The Man

There's something deliciously appealing about busting into an assembly of snobs and dropping the smack down on them with a little dose of your own brand of reckless reality. But to really have the right effect, you have to be careful how you do it. Allow me to give you a quick lesson in the right and wrong ways to put it to the man.

Right Way



Wrong Way



Then again, James Spader's character snagged Kim Richards' with that number, and Treat Williams' character got killed in 'Nam, so maybe I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Dream a Little Dream

Ah, the American way. In this great country of ours, we can dream big, take action, and make it happen. Just ask the inventor of the Cruzin' Cooler. This person had a vision one day that the world would be a better place if they combined a motorized Razor scooter and a cooler, and voila, the Cruzin Cooler was born. At first, I thought it was absurd. Do we really need this thing to exist? Then I thought of at least two types of people who could really benefit from this.

1. An enterprising youngster who wants to cover as much of the neighborhood as possible by making his "lemonade stand" mobile.

2. Someone on Dead tour (or Panic tour or wherever the old hippies have gone) who wants to go mobile with their veggie burrito business.

I'm sure there are more. The Dalai Mama wonders if a person could get a DUI on one of these things, which I think is a pretty good question.

Either way, the Cruzin' Cooler got me to thinking about other crazy ideas, which led me to stumble onto TotallyAbsurd.com. I haven't had this much fun on a site in ages! All of the crazy things on this site are actual U.S. patents, along with the actual illustrations that are on file in the patent office. Here are a few of my favorites:

The Duck Shield
Patent issued in 1997

This is supposed to attract ducks. Honestly. I think it's more likely to attract a bullet to the head. Maybe that dude Dick Cheney was hunting with was wearing one of these.

Robo Skater
Patent issued in 1999




Twenty-six wheels. Imagine the possibilities. Look, I'm turning 35 in a month and a half. If all of you pitch in a few bucks, you could get me one of these. I'd be Figure 2kin' it all over the place. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!

Quick Draw McGraw
Patent issued in 2004


Keep missing phone calls? Have a Spider-Man infatuation? Buy one of these and you'll be saying 'hello' before the first ring is through. If they add a watch to the package, they just might have me.

Goofy Goalies
Patent issued in 1989



Uh. Hmmmm. And the cup isn't included?

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I could go on for hours. This site is loads of fun, really -- check it out. How else are you going to find out what these are?:

The Motorcycle Wave

As anyone who rides street motorcycles knows, there's a camaraderie between riders that is most visibly expressed through the "motorcycle wave," which good ol' helmetless St. Nick is demonstrating for us in this illustration. It's usually sort of low, off to the side, with a couple of fingers out, and non-riders can think of it as a sort of Fonzie-"heeeyyyy!" for the two-wheel set. (If you drive a Beetle or some other distinctive car like that, you've got your own little thing you do when you pass the 'others.')

I like this tradition. It's a nice acknowledgment that, at that very moment, the other person on the bike is probably feeling similar to how I'm feeling. We're sort of sharing an experience, and it's cool throw out a little I understand.

But not every rider does it. Sometimes you'll throw out the motorcycle wave and it isn't reciprocated. Why? Maybe the dude on the Harley thinks he's too cool for a Triumph. Maybe the squid on a Gixxer with the t-shirt and shorts thinks he's too fast for a Triumph. Maybe the dude on the custom chopper thinks he's too unique for a Triumph. Or maybe he just didn't see me?

For a long time I'd feel a little silly when I'd wave and the other person wouldn't wave back, so I started trying to predict. If it looked like the wave wasn't going to happen, screw it, I wasn't waving either. There were probably occasions where I saved a wave that would have been unrecognized, but there were also occasions when I noticed at the last minute that the other guy did throw out his hand, and all of the sudden I was the guy who didn't wave back.

I don't like that, so last week I made the decision that I'm going to wave every time, no matter what. Since then, I've yet to have one unreciprocated. I don't know if this is some form of karma, but I'm feeling pretty good about it so far.

Worlds most hated blogger?

What qualifies you to be the "Worlds most hated blogger?" http://www.iamfacingforeclosure.com Surely there are more devilish blogs out there. Most bloggers have probably come across this guy already, but if not check it out- it makes for an interesting study on how far some people will go to cheat the system.

My Favorite Things

This post is inspired by two people, Rob Zero and Winters.

Both of these guys have recently posted in the 'my favorite things' category, and that got me to thinking of my own favorite things. I can't come up with five things, like Rob did, but I do have three. (My iPod doesn't count because it's merely a vessel for music, which I don't actually own but am privileged to use.) In order, they are:

1. My motorcycle.
This one is almost too easy. I love it, plain and simple. It makes my life better.

2. My heated mattress pad.
I live in a place that gets really cold in the winter, and -- Oh. My. God. -- do I love this thing. Seriously, every night, as I climb into my bed/womb, I realize that it's the best moment of the day and I rejoice. I wish I could express in words the love I have for my heated mattress pad.

3. My mosque alarm clock.
A friend of mine who is in Iraq sent me one of these, and it sits proudly on my desk. The alarm is unrivaled. Wanna hear? Check it out. And it's got, like, three more tracks than that. It's brilliant.

Just let me have these three things. You can keep the rest of it.

Jerry Falwell 1933 - 2007

I know we avoid religion here but, c'mon, you have to admit you laughed when you saw this picture below the headline. I can't take credit for the idea of marrying the two, but I will take credit for posting another conversation starter on RtN.